I didn't end up texting Tom last weekend. I was in a pretty foul mood that day and didn't feel much like talking to, or corresponding with, anyone. More on this funk, actually, it's shaping up to be a perma-funk, later... I'll give the Tom update first.
He didn't call on Sunday like I'd expected, and kind of even hoped, he would. I was out of town for business the first half of this week and I was pleasantly surprised when, as I was pulling my phone out to update my Facebook status, his call came in. I answered, we talked for a few minutes. I explained to him that I was out of town for work and having dinner with a friend. He told me I could call him up until about 11:30 pm. When I called him back, the conversation was good - we talked for about 30 minutes. We agreed to meet up on Monday night at one of my favorite restaurants (in fact, the restaurant where I had my birthday party!). I hope it wasn't a faux pas that I asked if our get-together for Monday night was for drinks or for dinner - if the plan was just to be for drinks, I'd eat something before meeting him. But if we were going to eat together, I obviously wouldn't eat anything beforehand. I think my question caught him off-guard because it was slightly awkward for a few seconds. Ooops! Oh well, if that is too much for him, best to find that out up front. He indicated that he'd email me on Monday to confirm the plan. I've decided that he's really the only match I'm remotely excited about.
The other guy I'm openly emailing with I'm actually somewhat annoyed with. His first email to me was the equivalent of a questionnaire: Where are you from? Do you have a dog? Where do you like to go out to eat? Where did you go to college? Where did you grow up? Where do you like to visit? Where do you want to travel to? ... and the questions continued. I kid you not - there were probably 20 open-ended questions. I answered as many as I felt like until it sort of got a little out of hand and it started to feel forced. I turned it back on him because there was absolutely no flow to his email and nothing for me to work with and latch on to. I sent him some questions back and guess what? He replied back with his answers... and even more questions. What the heck?!? Does anyone else find that somewhat awkward and borderline bizarre? There's no banter, no dialogue. Just Q&A. We'll call him Quentin since he's proving to be Quentin the King of Questions. I owe him an email back, but I'm not even remotely excited to reply.
This lack of enthusiasm could be my lack of excitement in my matches, but I think it's all symptomatic of the fact that I'm stuck in a perma-funk. I can't shake it. I feel sad. My soul feels heavy. Am I dead on the inside? Am I ever again going to meet someone who I'm excited about? Who makes me feel giddy and energetic and makes me feel like I've surpassed Cloud 9 and am sittin' pretty on Cloud 14 or even, Cloud 20?
When I feel like this, it's so easy to slip off the path and get stuck wallowing and wondering: What if I'm one of those people who is just never going to find her "person"? What if the life I want for myself (husband, kids) isn't the life I'm supposed to lead? I joke about it with my family and some friends, make light of my situation and the lack of dates and lack of interesting people I meet ... but the laughter is just there to try to make light of the fact that I'm really getting freaked out that it's just going to be me. Forever.
And yes, so one of my best friends pointed out to me that THIS, right now, is the worst it's ever going to get. And it's a great point: If this is the worst, is that so bad? In actuality, no, it's not. I have great friends and a wonderful family. A good job, that I generally enjoy that allows me to pursue my outside interests. My health. So... if this is the worst it's ever going to get, I know I could handle it. It just makes my heart sad and leaves me feeling empty that I might need to realign my expectations for my life and shift what I want to line up more with the reality.
Ugh.I don't want to give up - I used to be Suzy Sunshine, the biggest damn believer in The Fairy Tale. I'm not so delusional to believe that anything is perfect, I just want to find the guy who is perfect for me. Right now, I'm having the hardest time believing that he's actually out there.
I seriously need to shake this funk before my date with Tom on Monday. I need to reclaim Suzy Sunshine so that Debbie Downer doesn't show up for dinner.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment