As part of my bedtime procrastination ritual, I decided to do one final glance at CNN.com, which led me via a link to another site and a very relevant article that I'm *pretty* sure the author hijacked from my own brain.
I've read Amelia's columns before, but this one is a direct reflection of my thoughts:
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-girl-talk-going-out-to-bars-depresses-me/
Based on the volume of comments she received, it looks like she and I are in good company!! It's good to know I'm not alone. :)
G'night for real... xo
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Question:
As I navigate what feels like Cupid's minefield with Za Za Zu like an oasis on the other side, I have to ask: At what point does having an open mind and giving everything a try become settling? For example, am I *supposed* to give my number out to (and subsequently go out with) every guy who asks for it? (Not that it happens that often, but just as an example...)
Of all people to be discussing my love life with, I was chatting with my dad about the cat allergy/shy guy. I explained to him how the dating site works and how people exchange questions. Though he's been happily married for nearly FORTY years, he posed a fair question: Aren't those questions part of the screening process? And if someone answers a question in a way you don't like, and if you ignore your displeasure and the yellow flag associated with it, aren't you essentially devaluing that part of the screening process?
How do I know if/when I'm being picky and how do I know when I'm saying no because it's not the right match for me?
Hmmmm... I don't know. What do you think?
Of all people to be discussing my love life with, I was chatting with my dad about the cat allergy/shy guy. I explained to him how the dating site works and how people exchange questions. Though he's been happily married for nearly FORTY years, he posed a fair question: Aren't those questions part of the screening process? And if someone answers a question in a way you don't like, and if you ignore your displeasure and the yellow flag associated with it, aren't you essentially devaluing that part of the screening process?
How do I know if/when I'm being picky and how do I know when I'm saying no because it's not the right match for me?
Hmmmm... I don't know. What do you think?
Keep an open mind... Try everything once
Those are my new mantras - or, at least I'm trying to make them my new mantras as I re-enter the world of dating.
Yesterday a friend and I were emailing and she convinced me that just because one of my matches specified in his profile that he's allergic to cats (I have one, just ONE, cat - yes, I'm a single woman with a cat...a potential landmine in the world of dating...), that I am not allowed to close him. I must keep an open mind - he could be the love of my life. She also cited a specific example of a couple we both know in which one person is allergic to cats and the other gave up the feline friend when they moved in together - they're now married. Good point - I realized I was being crazy so I responded to his note on the site last night. He answered the questions I sent to him and my hesitation continues with his answer to one of the questions...
(Background: as part of the guided communication process on the site, you exchange 1st round questions - 4 of them - that are multiple choice.)
To my question "If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, would you:
a) stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
b) find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
c) strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
d) I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event.
This guy picked A - which I find unappealing. I've dated "that guy" who isn't outgoing in social settings in the past and it drove me nuts. I find it incredibly attractive when a person has the confidence and social skills to strike out on their own and meet people. But at least he didn't pick the last option. Oh... what to do, what to do? Feel free to weigh in with your comments...
Yesterday a friend and I were emailing and she convinced me that just because one of my matches specified in his profile that he's allergic to cats (I have one, just ONE, cat - yes, I'm a single woman with a cat...a potential landmine in the world of dating...), that I am not allowed to close him. I must keep an open mind - he could be the love of my life. She also cited a specific example of a couple we both know in which one person is allergic to cats and the other gave up the feline friend when they moved in together - they're now married. Good point - I realized I was being crazy so I responded to his note on the site last night. He answered the questions I sent to him and my hesitation continues with his answer to one of the questions...
(Background: as part of the guided communication process on the site, you exchange 1st round questions - 4 of them - that are multiple choice.)
To my question "If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, would you:
a) stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
b) find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
c) strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
d) I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event.
This guy picked A - which I find unappealing. I've dated "that guy" who isn't outgoing in social settings in the past and it drove me nuts. I find it incredibly attractive when a person has the confidence and social skills to strike out on their own and meet people. But at least he didn't pick the last option. Oh... what to do, what to do? Feel free to weigh in with your comments...
Sunday, February 21, 2010
A new year, a new beginning
The rest of 2009 was a wild ride and dating wasn't a priority amidst all the other happenings in my personal life. From time to time, I would worry about how I was ever going to meet someone but deep down, I knew my heart wasn't ready. I had a lot of walls up and still thought of Mark, the good times we had together and what went wrong, way too often. Thankfully, and finally, I'm in a good place with regard to that relationship coming to an end. I can't believe it took nearly a year to get here, but I finally made it. :)
Things with Eric didn't pan out last spring, just as they didn't pan out numerous times in the last 16 years (a sign perhaps ;-) ). I couldn't get past the fact that he smokes (ew) and the chemistry that we had in my teens and early 20s just didn't seem to be there anymore. Things fizzled out and we exchanged a few friendly emails and hung out once in October, but it was strictly as friends and I think we're both OK with that.
Along the way, I've been back and forth about the whole concept of online dating. It is not something I really want to do, but I don't see any other options for meeting someone right now. I am so blessed to have the most wonderful group of friends - but none of them knows of anyone to introduce me to. I'm not big into the bar scene anymore, my gym is full of gay men and older married guys and the Office Hottie is off-limits (I work in a small office and based on what I know about his ex, I'm not his type).
So given all of this, a couple of weeks ago I started updating my online profile - adding new information and current pictures. I didn't set it to "live" because again, I wasn't digging the fact that I had to resort to online dating yet again. I waffled back and forth for about two weeks until this past week I decided that this was really the best option for getting back "out there."
Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I've always been a believer in "signs." I think I was shown several big signs to set my profile "live" over the last few days. First of all, I refused to pay full price for the online membership. I woke up on Saturday morning with a discount code in my email Inbox from the site. Secondly, money is a little tight right now and I don't get paid 'til next Friday and the newly sent discount code expires mid-week. I did not want to charge the membership to my MasterCard, so I was continuing to waffle back and forth about joining again. Then, yesterday I logged into my bank account and BOOM! My tax refund had been deposited. Suddenly, I could easily pay the fee and, thanks to the discount code, it was the amount I was willing to pay. So... I hit submit and the adventure begins again.
I feel hopeful and optimistic, yet a bit guarded as I take these first steps in putting myself "out there" again. There are so many relationships in my life that I admire and want to emulate. I look at them and think "I want what they have!" Hopefully, this will experience will bring me closer to that and if not, it will bring more great stories to share!!
Things with Eric didn't pan out last spring, just as they didn't pan out numerous times in the last 16 years (a sign perhaps ;-) ). I couldn't get past the fact that he smokes (ew) and the chemistry that we had in my teens and early 20s just didn't seem to be there anymore. Things fizzled out and we exchanged a few friendly emails and hung out once in October, but it was strictly as friends and I think we're both OK with that.
Along the way, I've been back and forth about the whole concept of online dating. It is not something I really want to do, but I don't see any other options for meeting someone right now. I am so blessed to have the most wonderful group of friends - but none of them knows of anyone to introduce me to. I'm not big into the bar scene anymore, my gym is full of gay men and older married guys and the Office Hottie is off-limits (I work in a small office and based on what I know about his ex, I'm not his type).
So given all of this, a couple of weeks ago I started updating my online profile - adding new information and current pictures. I didn't set it to "live" because again, I wasn't digging the fact that I had to resort to online dating yet again. I waffled back and forth for about two weeks until this past week I decided that this was really the best option for getting back "out there."
Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I've always been a believer in "signs." I think I was shown several big signs to set my profile "live" over the last few days. First of all, I refused to pay full price for the online membership. I woke up on Saturday morning with a discount code in my email Inbox from the site. Secondly, money is a little tight right now and I don't get paid 'til next Friday and the newly sent discount code expires mid-week. I did not want to charge the membership to my MasterCard, so I was continuing to waffle back and forth about joining again. Then, yesterday I logged into my bank account and BOOM! My tax refund had been deposited. Suddenly, I could easily pay the fee and, thanks to the discount code, it was the amount I was willing to pay. So... I hit submit and the adventure begins again.
I feel hopeful and optimistic, yet a bit guarded as I take these first steps in putting myself "out there" again. There are so many relationships in my life that I admire and want to emulate. I look at them and think "I want what they have!" Hopefully, this will experience will bring me closer to that and if not, it will bring more great stories to share!!
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